Miami looks set to join the F1 schedule in 2019. Lewis Hamilton believes it’s a done deal and the guy who owns the Buccaneers thinks it’s a done deal. F1 cars will storm the streets of America’s most over-rated beach town, packed with lip injected 20-something-year-olds you probably knew in college but they moved to Miami for “modeling.”
On Friday we finally got a look at the proposed Miami GP circuit layout thanks to City of Miami commissioners Ken Russell’s Twitter account. It has everything you could ever want. A basketball stadium, a bridge, a Starbucks, Formula E hairpins, a cruise ship port, pitbull wearing white, and water. It’s what dream circuits are made of.
A tour around American Airlines Arena, once home to LeBron James, no how to Dwayne Wade’s ghost (RIP in peace) will be a center point of the circuit. A complete lap around the arena either on sidewalks or roads in a counter-clockwise manner will dump drivers out onto world famous Biscayne Boulevard.
Drivers will then blast down nearly 3/4 mile or so with a crossover on Biscayne to the Bayside Park/Outdoor Mall/Ultra Amphitheater area. Drivers will make a left onto 3rd which is a nice arc the puts drivers on 4th for a split second before being on Biscayne again. Nothing says a Grand Prix in America quite like having a Starbucks, Guess, Gamestop, Sketchers, and GAP in the background. Remember when they wanted the New York skyline? Instead, they got consumerism America. All we’re missing is a fat midwestern woman with saggy boobs licking an ice cream cone wearing a “South Beach” neon shirt with the year on it.
From there, drivers merge onto Port Boulevard with no signal as the drive as fast as they can to the Carnival Cruise dock. Not interested in Carnival? No worried the hairpin is by Norweigan where they’d love to take you on board. A nice hairpin corner shoots you back down Port Blvd towards the mainland again. No one wants to spend more time on Dodge Island than necessary. This is Florida after all and a port is the last place you want to venture around.
As drivers cross the bridge back to land they’re met with another hairpin corner. This time it’s around famed American Airlines Arena where Ray Allen once made people rush the doors only to be rejected. Miami fans are the worst. A tight hairpin that opens off on corner exit would have been a great place for Joe Tanto to toss some quarters down and four-wheel drift across those bad boys.
A nice trip around AAA will allow drivers to see a nice little park where cocaine has definitely been done, the back side of AAA where the transformers live and then it’s back onto Biscayne Drive. The winner will be greeted by the great Jimmy Bly as he waves the checkered flag following a wildly successful racing career. That was after firing his brother Demille because you can only do some many endorsements before you sell out. No word on if F1 will bring in Beau Brandenburg but it would be a nice touch.
F1’s layout in Miami deserves comparisons to Driven because it is that shitty. Zach Miles said this looks like the pickaxe from Fortnite and he’s not wrong. Gotta capitalize on the craze while it’s hot. If F1 trades Baku for this Formula E looking atrocity Liberty Media can take Chase Carey by the mustache and toss him to the cartel.
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