Halloween is upon us and while it is a pagan holiday it is widely celebrated in the evangelical south. I didn’t write the rules, I’m just here to comment. Part of southern living other than the magazine and terrible outfit choices is NASCAR. If NASCAR is part of life and it’s Halloween you have to think of the scariest NASCAR sentence you can think of.
Here are the rules: just make up something that would scare you as a NASCAR fan. Here are a few of mine. These are the things that keep me up at night. Make me sit up like the Undertake gif gasping for air.
- Angela Cope
- Jennifer Jo Cobb enters a Cup race
- Derrike Cope in the closing laps of a playoff race
- Kyle Busch winning 200 NASCAR races and the shit storm that is going to ensure
- Kurt Busch being pleasant and complimentary on the radio
- Paul Menard smiling, he has teeth like The Orphan
- Spencer Gallagher being the #1 driver on his own cup team
- Cody Coughlin trying to go three-wide anywhere
- Old Cole Pearn coming back to throw races away each week. That’s only scary for the newly minted #78 fans
- Brian France dying, downloading his brain onto a hard drive Transcendence style and running NASCAR for eternity
- ANOTHER MILE AND A HALF TRACK! TA-DA! It has 4 turns, a curved backstretch and 20 degrees of banking.
- Fans arguing if Dale Jr is a Hall of Famer
- Austin Dillon winning a Daytona 500
- Ryan Blaney joining Team Penske and having all the life sucked out of his eyes
- Ryan Newman wanting to fight me
- Mere thought of Tony Stewart naked
- Erik Jones inside of me coming off a corner
- Fatback McSwain falling off a pit box and crushing 6 innocent bystanders
- Daytona allowing the locals from the boardwalk inside the track
- Kyle Larson making it to Homestead and winning every race there for the next decade. That should be every driver’s fear
- Yellow shirts and their god damn whistles.
- Dario Franchitti in a NASCAR race
- David Ragan on a plate track
- A BK Racing contract
- Carl Edwards post-Martinsville and I’m Matt Kenseth
- Early 2000’s Kevin Harvick flying over cars to fight
- Landon Cassill wearing Nike Air Monarchs but in a non-ironic way. He’s poor now.
- Brandon Jones getting a cup ride in any capacity
- Being a wall with Dylan Kwasniewski racing
- Being a judge and dealing with Mike Harmon v. Jen Jo Cobb
- The Gillette family teaming up with Ginn to form a team
- Tim Brewer on your TV screen again
You could really go on forever. Just nightmare scenario after nightmare scenario. These were all recent ones. What about Darrell Waltrip racing in 2000? What about the Bodines? Steve Grisson? Robert Pressley’s mustache?! What about all of these terrifiying things? All are nightmares in the making.
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