Alright the 2017 Formula One season starts tomorrow night with FP1 in Australia. Before that session starts we need to talk about the upcoming season and make some wild predictions. New cars, new regulations, no new circuits but new faces in new places.
Wider tires, more freedom in car design and sexier wings finally are back in F1. Shark fins made their return because someone at the FIA forgot to close that little hole. Just take a look at the little diagram down there,
These cars should corner so much faster than their predecessor. Lap times are rumored to drop by nearly 5 seconds at some circuits over last years times. Huge gains in terms of downforce and aerodynamics. No engine or power plant changes for this year although development did take place.
New Place, Same Face (Or New)
Manor- F1’s other teams let this scrappy team from England die and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive them for that.
Mercedes- Nice Rosberg, GONE. Retired. New face, Valteri Bottas joins from Williams and will win a race this season.
Force India- Nico Hulkenberg departed the team so they snatched up Esteban Ocon from Manor/Mercedes development
Renualt- Kevin Magnussen left so the team grabbed Nico Hulkenberg who will always regret not taking that Ferrari call.
Sauber- Gone is Felipe Nasr, in is Pascal Wherlein who really should have gotten the silver arrows seat. As long as he stops flipping convertibles, he’ll be the top performer in the team.
Williams- With Bottas gone, the team signed Canadian teenager Lance Stroll who is definitely there on driving merit and not his dad’s money, definitely driving merit.
Haas- So long Esteban Gutierrez and hello Kevin Magnussen.
- Ferrari is the team to beat for the first 5 races.
- Kimi Raikkonen wins not one, but two races
- Valteri Bottas wins his first F1 race
- Mercedes, Ferrari and Red Bull will battle into the summer
- Daniel Riccardo and Max Verstappen will both be race winners.
- Lewis Hamilton will continue to take selfies and be emotional on Instagram while skirting to his 4th Drivers Championship.
- McLaren will be lapped by lap 5 in Australia. Zak Brown will definitely remind us McLaren won’t win this year, or 2018, 2019, or anytime Fernando Alonso is alive.
- McLaren will also announce a separation from Honda. A lot of Japanese fellows are going to be looking for work.
- Lance Stroll will crash in 13 of 20 races.
- Haas F1 will score their first podium on merit. Not on some fluke thing happening like a Malaysian downpour.
- Bernie will attempt a coup to get rid of Chase Carey even though he has literally no power.
While Ferrari is definitely the car to beat coming out of testing. Mercedes was certainly sand bagging and will be there with Ferrari in Australia. Either that or Ferrari pulled a Brawn in 2009 and their speed is legit and everyone else is playing catch up. Those Germans, always trying to be sly and pull one over on the world. Not so fast my angry sounding friends.
- Lewis Hamilton – you can’t kill Lew that fast. The Silver Arrows is still the car to beat, they’re squeezing 1000bhp out of their V6 powerplant. Their car is phenomenal and Lewis is the best driver on the grid. Get ready for a slew of black and white photos, ones with captions that sound like your girlfriend posted them and how blessed he is. Oh, he also has a plane which you’ll see no less than 800 times. Bring Bieber back, need to see F1 journo’s lose their shit again. Oh, he’ll win 8 races.
- Sebastian Vettel- Seabass is back and he’ll be kicking some ass. Likely 5 wins for the german in red. Germans and the color red, should have steered clear of that one. The Scuderia finally give the 4 time world champ a car he can win with. That’s not to say he won’t still scream for blue flags had have nightmares of Kyvat before every race.
- Kimi Raikkonen- The iceman is back. Winner of two races this season. Going to go ahead and predict those wins, Spain and Belgium. He was asked what he named his car for 2017. His response? “Car.” Sign me the fuck up for the Kimi train because he’s back!
- Valteri Bottas- Two wins for Kimi’s fellow fin. He finally gets to the top of the podium before Lewis reminds him he’s the Cal Naughton Jr. of this relationship. Great to see him up there because in 2019 he’s headed back to Williams when Nico decides sitting on his couch in Monaco is the utter epitome of boredom.
- Daniel Riccardo- Two wins for everyone’s favorite Aussie too. Feel like Oprah handing out two wins for everyone. The world needs more shoeys and Daniel is here for us.
- Max Verstappen- His dad may have the yellowest teeth in the world but the kid has more wins than his dad. A grand total of 2 after this season. Wickedly fast but the car will let him down.
- Everyone else. Doesn’t matter this far down the grid.
The 2017 season is likely the first time since 2013 that someone other than Mercedes will dominate the season. A team likely won’t even dominate this season, it’s going to be an open field. Or Vettel v. Hamilton with their side chicks getting in the fight every now and then. Finally a season to look forward too.
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